The Art of Strategically Sheltering Our Kids

Last week I introduced a question that’s been mulling around in my head for years: How much should we shelter our kids? Meaning, how much should we step in and “protect” them from the world? And speaking specifically in a spiritual sense: how much should we prevent them from being exposed to the ideas and temptations of the secular world? And that question leads to a 1,000 smaller questions for each child. 

Maybe you’ve asked some of these questions yourself: 

“Will my child be harmed by the secular teaching of the public school?”

“How long should I hold off on allowing social media?”

“How dangerous is it for my teen to use the internet?”

“When should I discuss sex and sexual sin with my kids?”

“When should I explain LGBT+ issues?”

“Which movies, TV shows, or books should I not allow?”

“Which friends should I limit my child from hanging out with?”

“Will sending my teens to youth group activities or summer camp expose them to more harm than good?”

“Will the local sports teams have a bad influence on my child?” 

“Should I let my child go to sleepovers?”

“Is sending my kid to a secular college a viable plan?”

“Is there anything influencing my child negatively that I’m unaware of?” 

And we could go on and on. The questions that plague parents of our day are endless. In part this is due to the fact that the world really is closing in on us. The agenda of the world is pressing in from every direction, especially via media and technology. And so we must choose, decision by decision, which exposure is helpful (or worth the risk) and which is detrimental. Plus, there’s the reality that continuing moral decay is expected (2 Tim 3:13). Not to mention, we still have age-old issues that affect every generation like “bad company” (ungodly friends) having a bad influence on our kids (1 Cor 15:33). Needless to say we are fighting against a lot as parents.

As we engage in this battle, many of us take a middle of the road approach to sheltering our kids (read last week’s post for more on that). Since we know we should protect our kids, but we don’t want to over protect them, we figure some effort in sheltering, without overdoing it, will have to be our strategy. And while there is merit to this approach, I am proposing it’s not strategic enough. 

Think of it this way: what if we protect our kids in certain ways, perhaps the wrong ways, and that leaves our children truly unprepared for life? Or what if we give freedoms, perhaps in the wrong ways or at the wrong times, allowing the hearts of our children to be drawn away? Realistically, either could happen. Therefore, we need to think very carefully about what would help our children be ready for the future, while also thinking through what they need protection from. That’s the grid we need to think through—preparation alongside protection. 

A (Hopefully) Helpful Analogy 

As we think through how (or how much) to shelter our kids, let’s consider some images that “sheltering” might bring to mind. Literally, the word “shelter” may make you think of a tent-like structure or protective facility to keep one safe in bad weather. Or perhaps when you think of a shelter, you picture your comfortable home as the ultimate place of safety for those you love. Those are both relevant images. But if sheltering our children resembles these depictions, we are lacking in the preparation category.

The image I propose you adopt as you seek to strategically shelter your kids is you and your child going shark cage diving together. Yes, shark cage diving. For the sake of the illustration, let’s just say your child’s future involves deep sea diving amidst a variety of thalassic dangers.  Perhaps deep sea hunting is the family business. (Just humor me for a few paragraphs.)

Despite the family business, it is surely tempting to stay in the boat with your children, perhaps even ignore the danger that lurks beneath for as long as possible. It probably seems a bit too risky to take your kid close to the sharks. Nevertheless, if you want your child ready to face the ocean when the time comes, you’ll need to do more than sit in the boat together. Hence, shark cage diving. It’s there that you can be safe (in a cage), and yet still teach your child all they need to learn so they can succeed in the ocean in the future. 

Clearly the only reason you’d brave the cold water and go near large human-eating sea creatures with your child is to orient them to life in the ocean and make them aware of any possible dangers. You can’t just throw them in the deep end one day! The moment they go in the ocean alone, you want them to navigate the water with tremendous skill. And so you get in the ocean with them while they are young and you start teaching them. 

Of course, there’s risks involved in cage diving if one is foolish. But realistically, it’s safe. And more to the point, it’s necessary. Future divers need training if they are eventually going alone. When the time comes, they should be able to lean on all the thorough training they received in the midst of (what felt like) real danger.

You see the connection (even if the analogy is ridiculous)? Strategically sheltering our children is not about keeping them protected in your cozy home separated from the world. It’s about protecting them from harm while wisely exposing them, so that they are prepared for life in the real world. Make no mistake, danger is out there, and they need protection, but they also need to know how to handle the danger when it comes knocking.

Preparing Kids for the Real World

This protection/preparation grid is exactly what we need in parenting. In fact to squeeze this silly analogy for all it’s worth, notice these specific parallels…

First, think through the inevitable verbal training that would take place in the ocean bound cage.  Before a parent would take any child under the water, they’d be dispensing all kinds of information. They’d want their child prepared and ready to handle whatever it is they are about to see. In other words, a parent in this setting would not shelter their kids much in terms of information. This is much like how we should be with the information our kids need to know.  In fact, there is very little sheltering that should go on when it comes to communicating concepts and ideas to our children (much like how we see the writer of Proverbs dispensing all kinds of wisdom to his son. See Proverbs 2). We should be mentally equipping our kids all throughout their childhood years. We should be bringing big issues up, talking about all kinds of topics, and the doors of communication should be wide open. It might even look like we are over exposing our kids to the realities of life (meaning, not sheltering them), but it’s with a purpose — we want them prepared. 

Second, similar to how you might introduce your child to the dangers of the ocean, so should you orient them to what’s in the world in a practical everyday sense. It’s important that they are introduced to worldly temptations (to think wrong or do wrong) with you by their side, ready to help them navigate those waters. They should not only hear you talk about the world, but in cautious and measured ways, they should see it for themselves. They should be around it enough to learn how to handle it rightly. All the while, being guided by your help and accountability (it’s a hands-on way to “train up a child in the way he should go.” Proverbs 22:6). Some may say you are playing with fire by exposing your children to situations in which they could make wrong choices, but it’s a measured risk and it’s with a purpose— you want them ready to face the world alone one day. 

And finally, just as your child would be fully protected from inevitable destruction because they are in a full-bodied cage, so should you thoroughly protect your child from whatever would inevitably bring them down. This means you should unabashedly say no to whatever would draw your child away from God. We parents need to know what most powerfully tempts each child, and we need to be thoroughly aware of dangerous influences around them. We need to protect their hearts (Proverbs 4:23). How we do this will look different for each child. And in all likelihood, some people will look at your restrictions and assume your child is over-sheltered. But your restrictions have a purpose–you want your children properly protected. 

For those who are visual, I’m proposing our sheltering looks like this:

This here is a framework that can help us make all kinds of decisions. It helps us think through when to broach certain topics. It helps us think through whether to say yes to that sleepover or that trip with a friend. It helps us think through extra curricular activities. It helps us make sure our kids are properly protected and properly prepared. 

So back to the “middle of the road” approach that many of us take by default — I suppose we can say we choose the middle in that we are not trying to be full-on helicopter parents, nor are we trying to be full on free-rangers. But if we were to look through the grid of both protection and preparation, we’d find ourselves purposefully adopting some practices that look a lot like we are over-protecting our kids, while also purposefully adopting some practices that look a lot like we are overexposing our kids to the world. But it’s all strategic.

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So much more can be said about each of those areas of parenting — so come back next week for blog post 3 in this 9-part blog series…

1. How Much Should We Shelter Our Kids? 
2. The Art of Strategically Sheltering
3. Sheltering Your Child’s Mind (Part 1):  What to Say and When
4. Sheltering Your Child’s Mind (Part 2): Get Talking!
5. Sheltering Your Child’s Daily Life (Part 1): Strengthen Their Character
6. Sheltering Your Child’s Daily Life (Part 2): How to Expose them to Temptation
7. Sheltering Your Child’s Heart (Part 1): Ruthlessly Protect 
8. Sheltering Your Child’s Heart (Part 2): Avoiding Danger
9. Making Decisions: Protecting and Preparing the Next Generation